It seems like so long ago that I made the first approach. I can see that those first approaches really challenged my reality. My goal was to be proactive and handle a part of my life that had seemed to elude me for so long. I wanted to have choice in my dating life and wanted to be working toward that goal.
I want to be real with you guys. This post does not come from a place of having conquered my challenge or knowing all of the answers. It is more of a search for direction from here. Doing this challenge gave me a glimpse of what is possible and also how far that goal is away from where I stand today.
The key word for this post is going to be choice. Why is choice so important in dating? It seems like something you have or something you don’t have. How does one change the choices they have in dating? These two questions have been rattling around in my mind.
Dating choice is important because it builds comfort. Think about it. When you are making a big investment into something and you only have one choice, are you going to feel good about that decision? Deciding to invest in someone’s life is a big choice and that’s a decision you want to feel comfortable with.
Another reason choice is important in dating is because it gives you stability in relationships. It seems like that is a funny statement since having choice would make it more likely for you to leave, right? Well, I’m not really referring to the relationship’s stability, but rather, your stability in relationships.
If you don’t have choice in the dating scene then you are going to be dependent on that relationship lasting. In my mind there are two different types of relationships when you have no choice. One is where you are dating someone who you know isn’t a good fit for you but you have to decide between sticking it out for a little bit of joy and happiness or face the reality of being lonely again.
The second type of relationship is where you are with someone that makes you happy. The problem with this type of relationship is that you don’t want it to end and so you do everything in your power to make it continue. This ends up boiling down to the point where you become needy. You examine every single action and detail with pin-point accuracy. Looking at every word use in conversation to try and derive a meaning beyond the words.
The main reason this type of relationship doesn’t work is because you place all of that pressure on the relationship. The other person can feel that tension and it makes being around you stressful.
Even if you hit the lottery and find that perfect person for you, the lack of choice can still haunt you. You are going to be willing to put up with a lot more that you should. Think about the first scenario above. Think its hard to leave a bad relationship, well imagine what its like to leave a better relationship. There is a saying I discovered just a few days ago that summarizes this perfectly. What you put up with, you end up with.
I think a lot of women fall into this problem because you see it all the time where these nice, sweet girls end up dating these, for lack of a better term, douche bags and wonder what she would ever put up with his crap? I can assure you that the same things happen to guys.
I’m writing this post today from a park in Winston-Salem, NC on a perfect autumn day. I see all these kids running around playing on the play ground without a worry in the world. I can’t help but think about the day when I have kids of my own to play with on a playground just like this.
One of my desires is to bring my kid up in the best environment possible. I can’t escape the thought that such an environment requires a great husband / wife relationship to build off of. My part in that is two fold. I have to be the best husband / father that I can be and I have to find the best mother / wife I can. The lives of me and my children hang in the balance.